The Ineffables' Journal

3:15AM - To: All Hellish Beings

To All Hellish Beings,

Reports of sickeningly angelic deeds of mass quantity have been coming in. Heaven is putting more effort into their plans for global domination. Those bastards are also executing and de-housing many of our people.

Please respond effectively if you see any of Heaven’s works or employees. Several demons better than you have been awarded for their efforts appropriately.

Make others have bad days.

With annoyance,

Hell

3:08AM - To: All Heavenly Beings

Hell has stepped up its plans for dominance on earth. Please respond appropriately and immediately. Awards will be given to those who show personal motivation to further our collective efforts.

3:00AM - To: Gabriel, the Archangel

Dear Gabriel,

We would like a report from you about the goings on at tadfield manor, if there is indeed anything happening. Our sensors tell us that an abnormal amount of activity is happening (more than abnormal, it has not escaped our notice that the antichrist is housed there).

Please enclose a report of events that you are aware of and your plan for the next months.

Love eternally (unless you fall),

Heaven


(waiting for one report in reply by Gabriel)

2:54AM - To: Hastur, Duke of Hell

To Hastur, Duke of Hell,

You are the usually competent one.

Return soon.

With greed,

Hell

2:44AM - To: Belial, Crown of Satan

To Belial, Crown of Satan;

It has come to our attention that you are on vacation. You did not get your paperwork finished.

There will be a punishment when you return. How do you feel about more paperwork?

With hatred, as always,

Hell

Postscript: Enjoy your vacation.

2:36AM - To: Ligur, Duke of Hell

To Ligur, Duke of Hell.

We understand that you have done a very wicked job on the buggered angel’s bookshop.

This makes us proud, and wary. Because of your sudden competence, we award to you one unopposed-by-our-forces vacation. Let no demon bother you under our instruction.

...It has come to our attention that you are already on said vacation. Uh. Enjoy.

Who screwed up all the vacation time?! I want to know. This is not shibby, to have Himself getting all sorts of paperwork. Whose responsibility is it? BELIAL’S?!

With frazzled fury,

Hell

2:11AM - To: Michael, the Archangel

A Commendation is awarded this day to the archangel Michael for his efforts regarding the loss of one demon’s current quarters and a resulting weakening of said demon’s being.

Praise be to Michael.

(This coupon is redeemable for one free body.)

12:35AM - To: All Heavenly Beings With the Exception of Aziraphale

A message to all Heavenly beings in the vicinity of Tadfield except the principality Aziraphale.

We have received word of-

…Blasted typewriter. Someone broke the leg off the r.

Right. We have received word that one of our angels has recently lost his property. We feel it necessary that the angel in question learns to do without the bookshop. Therefore we will not be replacing said bookshop.

Besides, it didn’t pull in enough souls.

Have a nice A.d 1999.